In the Gray

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” -Their Eyes were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

So here is the good news: God is up to something BIG in my life. And here is the other good news: I have absolutely no clue what it is.

True holy torture for someone who  is an answer seeker, a “why?” asker, a let me rephrase the question-er. I have an embarrassingly strong appetite to find meaning in things. I guess most people have the same to varying degrees. We are made in the image of a God of order and passion-ful purpose. We are made to desire the “it is finished” when it comes to carrying our daily cross. I, we, want to know these bones are alive and doing something, anything that feels like success (barf, I hate that word) But, it’s true. So what to do with this desert time? This murky little moment in life?

I mean, have you been there? Have you walked in the gray space? The space that feels like striving without progress? I have met people in the midst of unbelievable sorrow who were in the gray, and I have also met people who have every happiness and blessing life could give yet still have to visit this area of gray. It’s a place of questions and seeking, of silence at times. It never FEELS like progress.

In my own life the questions continue like so:

What does it look like to be a good wife right now? How do I love Marin in the unique way her heart needs? Will motherhood ever feel like I’m doing a great job? What am I contributing to your kingdom, God? Is there a plan for this new insecurity I feel? And on a more superficial note…pimples in my thirties- really?!

I know others’ gray moments have more desperate questions and more pressing needs. I also know that both the design and the Designer are in the midst of these moments. He planted this chip that causes us to seek. And he’ll provide just enough mystery and sometimes even silence to bring us to that beautiful desperation that consecrates our hearts to his.

I hopped in the car to go on my weekly drive to Target. I don’t always go to buy things. I just go. The sun was setting and my windows were down. I sensed all the recent stirrings and questions filling a spot that was prime for prayer. And it wasn’t a burning bush or an audible thing, but all of a sudden I just felt like praising instead of prodding. I felt like singing instead of seeking. It was a lovely moment. It was true worship, at least for a second.

The seeking will always be in us. And because Heaven is there and we are here, we will feel wicked moments of disorientation in what was the comfort of our own lives.

This post has no pretty bow to wrap it up with because it was written in the season of seeking. BUT it does come with this truth:
“You will seek Him and find Him when you seek him with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)
He may not have been the original question, but He will be the answer. He sees beyond the fog; He sees the masterpiece. He is tirelessly working on the inside while we tarry.

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Hi, I’m Megan.  I’m a follower of Jesus, wife to a quarter-rican, mama to a little beauty, former eighth grade teacher, and an all around life enthusiast. Learn more at mforlove.blogspot.com

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